February 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

PRIDE. We all have it, but to what magnitude is where you and I differ.  I believe that the amount of pride you have can determine your actions, your surroundings, the company you choose to be seen with,  where you live, what career you choose, what type of mask you decide to wear.  it pretty much can determine your life. Yes, you read right, your life.
P R I D E.
Its bigger than you.  Well, its bigger than me and I’m not your typical 5’2, 95lb. Korean American girl with the voice range of a baby hamster.
I can’t stand people who have too much pride.  Why? People who have too much pride lack humility, walk on a one way street, refuse to let others ever see them less than perfect,  are always on a high horse, walk with their nose in the air, and most of all, they have a thick wall up that only a select few can get past only to have them encounter another wall.
I can’t stand people like that.

Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time loving myself.
Pride always gets the best of me and I let it.
But the minute I realize that I am being prideful, I puff my chest up even higher and think to myself, I have all the right to feel and think this way because I am better than W, X, Y and Z!
Hey, step one of the ‘Twelve Step Program’ is admitting.  Maybe you caught me in a moment of weakness, tomorrow I might go through and ‘Private’ this entry, but pride seems to always get the best of me and I am beginning to see more drawbacks than benefits. Pride has to be passed down through the generations.  I don’t know where else I would have learned or taken on such traits. Right?  RIGHT.  I am always right.

Church tells me that God is the only way to break your pride, but I tend to put up my wall of pride with God too. I’m not even comfortable with the idea of God seeing me in my weakness or when I feel anything less than perfect.  I run as fast as I can in the other direction from Him and I haven’t stopped running to date(although my sprints have slowed down to nice jog). Where did I even get this notion that I have to be perfect? That being weak is pathetic(emotionally and physically; I take extreme pride in not ever getting sick and having quick recoveries if and when I am injured)?  Why do I constantly struggle with the idea of perfection when I am constantly being told that there is no such thing as perfect? Maybe, because I don’t buy that.  No such thing as perfect? Said who and why? That irks me so much.  That is like saying there is no such thing as beautiful.  YES there is.  Your definition and my definition of beauty may differ but we can both agree that beautiful does exist.  If that’s the case, I say that perfect does exist.  Be that it may be a temporary form of perfection, one thing I am sure of is that everything is conditional, but in that moment in time, perfection was achieved.  So there.
Also, n
ot having any pride can’t be a good thing.  We all need a small dose of pride to tolerate ourselves and others.  Doncha think?
I wish I could quiet my mind like I turn off a light switch.  I’m never at peace in my head and it drives me insane.  The only time my mind is quieted is while I am driving and listening to music and when I am dancing or doing both, or even all three.  Keep in mind, if you ever want my full attention make sure we are not listening to music.

During these moments of thoughts racing through my head, I realize what an introspective and contemplative person I am.
Then I realize that being too introspective only makes you extremely self-absorbed.

I am now a self-absorbed, prideful, arrogant woman who still has no new answers at the end of this rant.

Mounting my high horse(in this case, dragging them), wall up, and  putting my ‘perfect’ facade back on.


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